i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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