Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
