I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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