it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
