I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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