So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize