how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
