I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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