Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
