currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
