Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
