The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize