I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I need to align my fucking chakras
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
