If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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