I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Randomize
