new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
