I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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