Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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