Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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