connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
