Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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