your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
