I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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