how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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