Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
