I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
