Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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