Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
