i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
