**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize