yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
