i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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