When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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