wanna go halves on a baby?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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