I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
