You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
