Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
