Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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