My underwear smells like fireworks.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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