I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I didn't notice because vodka
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
