I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
