sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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