Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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