i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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