My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
