genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize