we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
