for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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