my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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