My balls are so social today.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Terrible idea I love it
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
