He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
if only i could text you this smell
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
