we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
