Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
