I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
