buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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