he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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