looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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