we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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