I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
