We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
