Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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