so explain again why im purple
no
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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